Call Waiting

We don’t have two phone lines but, thanks to technology, we can be interrupted while in the middle of one phone call by another phone call.

What happens is this: say you're talking to someone on the phone (we'll call this person Caller Number One) about the cute little redhead you met at a party the night before when all of a sudden somebody else (Caller Number Two) tries to call you. When this happens you hear a beep, indicating that Caller Number Two is trying to get through. The phone company calls this “feature” Call Waiting, although that’s not the right name for it and, as you’ll see, it’s not really a feature, either.

I think it should be called “Abandon The Guy Who Called First” because that's exactly what you do. As soon as you hear that beep you spring into action like it was the Lottery Patrol trying to get through. You jump up out of your comfortable phone chair and scream into the ear of Caller Number One: “OH MY GOD! THERE’S THE BEEP! I’VE GOT ANOTHER CALL COMING IN! DON'T HANG UP! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!” Then you press the “Link” Button, which is supposed to “link” you to Caller Number Two without hanging up on Caller Number One. But that’s never what happens because you're so excited by the fact that another call is coming in you always press the wrong button, which accidentally and instantly dispatches Caller Number One to the quiet netherworld of Telephone Call Waiting Limbo, where he gets Put On Hold Forever (or until he gets tired of waiting for you to get back to him and hangs up).

Of course, realizing you have made a mistake only adds to your nervousness. You start frantically pushing buttons all over the telephone handset. By the time you actually get to Caller Number Two he’s hung up, too. Why? Because you’ve only got about two beeps (roughly five seconds) to tell Caller Number One, in a way that won’t hurt his feelings, that Caller Number Two (whoever that is) is all of a sudden much more important than he is.

And then you actually have to push the button and get to Caller Number Two and that’s not a lot of time, no matter how you slice it. And you're nervous. Your hands, remember, are shaking.

And not only that, but because Caller Number Two has hung up before you could get to him he thinks you’re not home (because at his end the phone just rings). He has no idea of the trauma you are experiencing, which makes me wonder why the telephone company never invented a special ring to indicate to Caller Number Two that you are home but presently tangled up with Caller Number One (I suspect it’s because they like to watch us squirm).

Anyway, after all that, you end up holding a completely dead phone in your hand. You are not connected to anybody. You don’t know this, however, because you haven’t yet tried to get back to Caller Number One (you're still looking for Caller Number Two). When you finally do push the “Reconnect Me With Caller Number One” button, all you get is a dial tone. Why? Because he's in Telephone Call Waiting Limbo. Remember? And you know what? You’re taking so long that he's starting to think there must be a serious family emergency because you otherwise wouldn't be this rude. As the time stretches agonizingly out he’s thinking something like, “Oh my God, I hope everybody’s alright. I hope the dog didn’t get hit by a car!” He’s chewing his fingernails down to the quick waiting for you to come back line and tell him the horrible news.

But you can't because he’s not really on hold. It's not just a matter of pushing a button and getting reconnected to him anymore. And the worse part is: only you know this!

So you try to call him back but when you do all you get is a busy signal (he is, after all, still on hold). And this is where your mind starts playing tricks on you: you start to wonder if he's so mad at you for disconnecting him that he is now refusing to answer the phone. He does have Caller ID, after all (a feature originally designed to let employees know when their boss is trying to call them on a day off). Or maybe he’s so mad at the fact that you've abandoned him that he's called someone else and is talking about you. In fact, you become convinced that he’s talking advantage of the situation and talking to that cute redhead you were telling him about back at the beginning of this column.

Call Waiting - it ain't all it's cracked up to be!