Kids Are Expensive

Kids sure are getting expensive. I came to this realization the other day when my eldest son, Madison, officially entered that expensive phase of life called "the teenage years". Kids, especially when they reach this stage of life, cost more to keep than a car. For one thing, you have to drive them everywhere - which means you’ll also need a car. But at least you can do a lot of research before you actually buy the car. And when you finally do buy it you’ll have a good idea of what to expect and how much, over the long run, it will likely cost you.

Plus, you'll have a warranty.

Kids, on the other hand, are more of an impulse buy. You don’t need any money down up front and nobody will run a credit check on you to see if you can actually afford one. That’s because nobody can afford them. And like a rich man’s credit car they come with no pre-set spending limit. All you have to do is place the order, though you never know what model you’re going to get until it actually gets delivered.

Sometimes you even get two - or three or four or more. At first, there’s no scientifically proven way to tell if you’ve got a really expensive model. You won’t know until you’ve had it for thirteen or fourteen years. But, believe me, you will find out.

Cars come with bumper-to-bumper warranties.  Kids don’t, so naturally they break down lots. When they do you can’t send them back to the manufacturer because, after all, you’re the manufacturer.

One of the reasons kids cost more to upkeep than a car is that, aside from food (gasoline) to keep them running in good shape, they also require lots of clothes (paintjobs). Not only that, but they require certain kinds of clothes that will be seen and appreciated by all the other kids at school, which is the place they go to every day that never gives them any homework except to watch TV.

Your car, on the other hand, only requires a paint-job if you are trying to sell it.

It’s illegal to sell your kid.

If you put sugar in your car’s gas tank it will cause your car to stop running. If you put sugar into your kid it will cause him to never stop running.

Like cars, kids also come with no-fault insurance. What this means is that if anything happens, it’s not their fault.

A car will never think it is smarter than you are. Kids will invariably become convinced that they are.

Cars come with computers built in. Kids don’t, but need them so they can chat to their friends whenever they aren’t talking to them on the phone. So you'll have to get them one but bear in mind that, no matter what kind of computer you buy, you’ll have to buy another one right away. That’s how fast the technology is evolving and you don’t want your kid to be held back because he doesn’t have the right equipment. And don’t forget - with a better and faster computer your child will be able to send larger video jokes to his friends much faster, which means he’ll have even more time for all that homework he isn’t getting at school.

And stuff in as much RAM (that’s technical talk for ‘memory’) as you can afford. It’s always a good idea to upgrade your kid’s computer memory because the tiny one they come pre-loaded with at birth is insufficient for anything except for remembering the names and birthdays of famous actors and rock stars.

When cars need new brake shoes they squeak and squeal. When kids need new shoes they also squeak and squeal but they do it a lot louder and for a lot longer. And if you don’t get the right kind of replacement shoes they keep squeaking and squealing until you do.

Cars come with their own CD players. Kids use yours.

Cars come with power steering. You can’t steer kids at all.