Hey Bonehead...

Update your letters archive. Mine isn't posted there yet.

Your Dad,
Burlington, Ontario.

Dad...

I misplaced your original letter. This will have to do.

Hey Loose...

I was just going through your website and reading the columns you have online. They are very funny. I am laughing so hard I am crying! Where do you get your ideas?

Domenic D.,
Timmins, Ontario

Domenic...

The ideas for my columns pop up in everyday life. Somebody says or does something and that's where it starts. Everyday life, if you think about it, is pretty funny.

Hey there, scribe!

Finally getting around to letting you know how much I enjoy your column. Most of them make perfect sense to me, and could have been written by a mouse in a corner of my home. Today's essay had me laughing out loud. I'm a wine lover, fairly particular about my selection, at that. My elderly parents keep their thermometer set at around 25C, and I like mine around 18 or 19. So room temperature at these houses are vastly different. I solve the problem by chilling everything at my parent's place, and try not to whine about it too much. Keep the chuckles coming... a sense of humor is imperative in these touchy, politically correct days. Thanks a million (in cyber bucks, of course)!

Sue McDermaid
No Address

Sue...

I should probably post that column. Lots of people wrote in to say how much they enjoyed it. Thanks ever so much for laughing at my warped sense of humor.

Hi...

Enjoyed today's wine article. Thought you might enjoy this site. http://www.thefinerlife.com/Oak_Cellar/serving_temperature.htm
 
Most of this, you probably already knew! (my guess).
 
Dave Bilodeau,
No Address

Dave...

I like my wine chilled slightly. Thanks for writing in.

Hey Michael (aka Loose Cannon)

I wrote you an email last week and was so happy to see it on your letters page. Anyhow... have you ever thought about writing a book? I think some of your stuff is quite funny and a few people could use a good laugh. Anyhow keep up the good work. I look forward to your articles...

Jo-Anne B.,
South Porcupine

Jo-Anne...

I thought about "booking" a few of the columns together, and may even do it if I can find the time. I actually have all of the equipment and software needed to do this. Glad I can make you laugh.

Dear TLC...

You hit it bang on the head with your column about your dad being more popular than Shania Twain. The fan convention was a huge and unnecessary expense that was very embarrassing to read about (at least for me). I am glad you had the guts to tell it like it is. And it was funny as hell, too. And kudos for the Daily Press in not banning your article outright!

Annonymous,
Timmins, Ontario

Dear Ann...

Thanks for your letter. I call 'em as I see 'em.

Dear TLC...

Re: "Inconsiderate People Cause Inconvenience"...

That article was hilarious!!!!!!!! Although very hard to believe it happened for real. Would you be embellishing just a little? How someone could be so ignorant is beyond me. I laughed right out loud and gave it to my daughter to read, too. Keep us laughing!

Judy Perron,
Porcupine

Judy...

Me? Embellish reality for the sake of a column? You betcha! Almost everything in my columns is true; the rest is the truth stretched for the sake of humor. As Helene tells people: "His columns are based on the truth."  And just for the record, the lady with the phone and the lottery tickets is real. The incident did happen - mostly.

Hi Mike...

Just read your column about inconsiderate people .This is one of many annoying "rituals" most women go through at counters when paying for their daily lotto ticket or any purchases. What gets under my skin is the amount of places a woman will hide her money. Open the purse, look for loose change at the bottom of the purse (NONE), open the change purse, not enough to pay for the "ticket", scan through the "gazillion" plastic cards to get to the debit card all the while talking to so and so about what so and so told her about so and so. If they could take into account that some people are in a hurry and are just picking up something important like their "Daily Press" so they can read important columns about every day life annoyances. Keep up the the good work, Michael! A fan,

Richard,
No name or address sent

Richard...

It's not just women, you know.
It's men, too.
We are just as inconsiderate.
Well, actually it is just women, Richard. I just had to say that other stuff in case any women were reading my response to your letter (studies show they always stop reading my responses after the first three sentences). So we're OK now. And just so you know - that column proved to be so popular that I've added it to the permanent archive on this site. Thanks for writing in.

Dear Loose Cannon...

I just read your article on the woman standing and scratching her ticket and talking on the cell phone.. The cashier wasn't any smarter in asking her move to the side so other people can PAY for their items.. Darn good thing it wasn't me waiting behind her... You need to stand up for yourself buddy..

Jo-Anne B.,
South Porcupine

Jo-Anne...

Thanks for the advise. But you should know that this incident was, well, stretched a bit. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say it was a mixture of several different incidents rolled into one. Mind you, one shop attendant whom I know asked me, "Did you write about that lady who was in front of you when you were in here on the weekend?" I replied, "Yes - and more."

Hey Loose...

You used to have links in people's letters to the columns they wrote in about. Now you don't. How come? If I read someone's letter and there isn't a link in it to the column they are writing in about, I often don't know what they are talking about.

Anne B.,
South Porcupine, Ontario

Anne...

Thanks for writing in. Yes, the links on this page (from a letter to a column) are gone. That's because not all the Loose Cannon columns are archived on this site anymore. The site was getting huge (hundreds of columns have been written over the years) and it was getting to be a lot to look after. I maintain this site myself and really, it was getting to be a chore. I don't have the time. So I had two alternatives: ditch the site or scale it back into a sort of "greatest hits" format with a link to this week's column on every page. I chose the latter and I think it was the right choice as I still get lots of visitors and feedback via the e-mail links on the site. The drawback, of course, is that some of the columns the letters refer to don't exist here anymore. Oh, well. I'm assuming that people who read the letters page are regular readers and more-or-less know the columns. And any column that does get posted, and has a corresponding letter referring to it, will have a link from the letter to the column (like the letter above yours). And to keep it interesting, I plan to rotate columns through the site on a regular basis, which means that every once in a while, every letter will have a link in it.

Dear Mike...

Really liked your column about the Shania Twain Money Hole. Ain't it the truth! You should consider running for mayor. At least you'd know where the money SHOULD go!

Randy,
Timmins, Ontario

Randy...

You are the third person to make the "mayor" suggestion. And, flattered as I am, I need to say this: there is NO WAY I would ever run for that job (not that I'd ever be elected if I did). Politics and me mix like oil and water. And I don't know where the money should go, although I have a pretty good idea of where it shouldn't go. I'll tell you what: if I ever did become mayor, there would be some pretty big changes in the area of tax-dollar spending.

Dear Mike Byrnes (The Loose Cannon)

Just wanted to say that I loved the column about going to see Metallica, and all those other bands kids nowadays love... especially the Limp Bizkit part about Britney Spears.  Keep up the good work.
 
Claude,
No Last Name or Address Sent

Claude...

I'm glad you enjoyed the column. One day, my kids will appreciate that I have accumulated a rather sizable collection of real music.

Dear Loose Cannon...

NICE one with last week's column about the business tax screw-up in Timmins. I am one of those affected businesses, on Riverside Drive. I can't wait to get my new bill. This council is costing Timmins and local business way too much. Does anyone even know, for example, how much money we are WASTING on the Shania Twain Centre? What a joke! Fiscal responsibility? This council can't even spell it!

Please withhold my name. The mayor might pop into my store. I want to take her money.

Annonymous,
Timmins, Ontario

You would not believe how many people liked that column and had responses similar to yours. Thanks for writing in.

Dear. Mr. Byrnes...

My wife farted at me today. So I know she loves me!

Hilarious column about - well, you know. I really enjoy reading your columns. Don't stop writing them!

Phil (last name withheld by request)
South Porcupine, Ontario

Phil...

When it's true love, you just know. You can smell it.

Dear Michael...

Absolutely LOVED the column about how farting is the true test of a relationship. Ain't it the truth! Keep on writing your columns. They are very funny!

Al Henkel,
Hamilton, Ontario

Al....

Shhh. The letter below might hear you.

To Michael Byrnes, The LOOSE Cannon...

Re: your farting column...

How did your mother like it? Didn't she tell you to watch your mouth? I wrote to your editor today telling him to give you a rest but I guess he is as silly as you as I see you are still rambling. Your article was unsuitable for a daily paper.

For shame!

Name and city not submitted with letter

Dear "?"

Glad you like the column. Thanks for writing in!

Michael...

Loved the "war" column. I think it demonstrates how anger is mostly inappropriate and has consequences. Keep up the good writing!

Larry (last name withheld by request),
Timmins, Ontario.

Larry...

Thanks for writing in with your comments. For an alternative view, read the following letter.

Michael...

Pretty cute story about the bedroom mess, however, it is a pretty weak analogy to the current war in Iraq.

Now, if you were to have written that the hamsters currently occupying Sadie's room had proven evidence that Sadie had tormented and tortured its' fellow hamsters in front of their very own family, or, if for the past 25 years the Hamster's had to live under Sadie's tyranny knowing that any free thought that they might have will be perceived as being against Sadie's regime and would result in execution, now that would have added some value to your story.

Keep trying, however, perhaps you may not want to use your own children as a comparison to a proven sadistic tyrant. I think they deserve a better representation don't you agree?

Paul F. Loreto, OAA., MRAIC, AAC
President, Loreto Design Consultants

Paul...

Your point is a valid one. However, this is - for better or worse - a humor column and it's like this: during stressful times people need to laugh. Otherwise they will cry. Even so, I think the column does demonstrate that use of force is not always desirable. But having said that I should point out that I am actually in favor of the peace action (I refuse to call it a war) in Iraq and think that the tyrant Saddam needs to be tossed out on his ear. This doesn't mean I'm a fan of war, however. Still - I like to balance things with both sides. I think I did that in the column. And for the record - Sadie is very nice to her hamsters.

Hi Mike,
 
If Mac is so easy and fun to use why do they need to make them look all colorful and so cool?  Ahhhhh - I know why. It's cuz it's the only way people will buy them. They are persuaded to buy them cuz the colors and cool looks brainwashes them. They get home and curse it because it has no floppy and no eject button on the CD and people don't know that you have to drag the CD to the trash can in order to eject it. Macs are so much more expensive and games on them are very limited and most of the stuff don't work on them and you have to spend all kinds of money on them if something breaks or even for the AppleCare packages.

Eric Secord,
Windows Service Technician,
Timmins, Ontario

Eric, Eric, Eric...

You're right, Macs are cool looking and colorful. As for the "eject" button - it's there. To get a CD (or a DVD of your vacation that you've just burned) out of the machine, just press it. It's the key on the top right corner of the keyboard - you know: the one with the "eject" symbol on it. Games? Name a game and I can get it for the Mac if you need it. It will probably run faster, too (it will certainly look better, at any rate, thanks to the Apple graphics-enhancing technology called Quartz Extreme). Expensive to repair? That's not been my experience. Of course, something would have to actually break first (like on my old Winblows machines). So far, nothing has.

Hello Michael,

From one diehard Mac user to a whole family of them, I was delighted to read your "Goodbye Winblows, Hello Mac" article in the online Timmins Press today. My mom's family is from Timmins and I have been there many times as a kid during summer holidays. My dad reads the Timmins Press, as they still head up there from time to time, to keep up on current events.

I was so impressed, I posted a link to your article on my Web log (weblog) site in the right column under Hyperlinks. I read your statement about copyright and didn't think having a link to the article was infringing upon it (copyright law has become such a gray area lately). Let me know if you would prefer to have it removed. This brings
me to my second reason for emailing.

As a journalist, I will assume you have heard of the phenomenon of "blogging." When I saw your Loose Cannon site, I couldn't help but think how a blog format might interest you. There is a terrific tool (100 per cent Canadian and built by one very hard-working friend of mine, Russ Cann of Calgary), called BigBlogTool (http://www.bigblogtool.com) that you might want to check out.

Finally, as I mentioned, I am a diehard Mac user and a trainer/instructor by experience: if you or your family have any questions about the Mac or the Internet in general, feel free to call upon me.

PS. My Web site is located at http://www.darinsan.com if you want to see your link in action. I don't generate a lot of users (maybe 70 visits a day), but I am always eager to share the Mac experience at every turn.

Sincerely,
Darin Brown

Darin...

I often think about using a blog on this site but I honestly don't think I have enough time to do it properly. Once, in a previous incarnation of this site, I posted a "diary" of sorts, which although not as high-tech as a proper weblog required just as much maintenance. But thanks for putting the idea in my head again, although I doubt I'll have the time to pursue it. I've posted your letter, so maybe your weblog friend will get some business. Also, you are right about the Mac. It is a better computing experience. I only wish the Winblows community knew what we know. And thanks for writing in.

Hi Mike!!

Just thought I'd drop a quick note to let you know I think your column is great!! You'll probably remember me as that chubby little blonde who worked for you for four years while I was in high school ('90-'94). If that doesn't help, maybe you'll remember the classic April Fool's joke I played - you know the one where I told my mother I was pregnant and caused her to have a heart attack? I'm in Ottawa now. I'm back in university studying criminology, but it's nice to be able to hear about what's going on up there from a different perspective. What really blows me away is when you talk about your kids and their ages now. I remember when you first brought Margareta home and walked through the kitchen door of the restaurant with her. Just reminds me of how old I'm getting.

Anyways, just thought I'd let you know I think you're doing a great job and to keep up the good work!! (Although I don't know how you find the time for it!)

Angela B.,
Ottawa, Ontario

PS - Even though I don't think this is interesting enough to make it to your "letters" page, if you do happen to use any of it for anything, could you please not use my last name. Thanks a lot.

Angela...

Not good enough for the Letter's Page? With mention of that old April Fool's joke? Are you kidding? I remember who you are because of that joke. In fact, every now and then I tell someone about it. Glad to hear you are still in school. Thanks for writing in.

Dear Mike...

I feel you're pain, I really do. In fact, you're the first person I've heard about that, like myself, needs to develop a relationship with their coffee maker!

Also, unlike the vast majority of people, and much like you, I grind my own beans fresh before every brewing as well.

I own 5 different machines from the single cup "Brew 'n' Go!" to the sexy curved, futuristic machine. Here's what I've learned...

The newer model brews a lower quality of coffee. I've gone so far as to precisely measure (using a measuring cup) the amount of water. I've used cold, room temperature and hot water. I've measured (by weight) the amount of coffee. Nothing seems to change the fact that, like you pointed out, it just doesn't taste right.

Because of this, I prefer to use my "regular" machine; no features, one button. Simple operation, and it makes a damn good cup of coffee.

I've also noticed that when using the metal filters I get a fine powdery sludge at the bottom of each cup. What's up with that? I've tested this in all my machines, heck, I even tested it in my girlfriend's coffee maker! But every time I use the metal filters, I get that sludge! Luckily you can take the perma-filter out and still use paper ones. The metal ones may be a little more economical, but for $7 a year, I'll stick with paper and avoid the coffee-powder-sludge at the bottom of each mug.

James King,
City Unknown

Thanks for writing in, James. I think there are a lot of "closet coffee fans" out there. It's the one drink we all seem to actually need every morning! While my column was a bit tongue-in-cheek, I think it spoke a basic truth. A day without coffee at the start of it is a day that doesn't start quite right. Incidentally, I don't really know how much money you'd save on paper coffee filters if you didn't have to buy them. I just made up the $7.00 bit. It's probably more.

Hi, Michael

Being a smoker for over 30 years, you would think that I'd have some compassion for Justice Mary Southin.  Quite the opposite. I would like to see her handcuffed by the police, dragged out of her chambers kicking and screaming, and then charged (as me, you or any regular person would be). The law is the law. I used to think Canada was the greatest country in the world. I used to vote.  I used to take pride in our peace-keeping efforts throughout the world. I used to have medical coverage. I used to earn a decent living. I used to believe that politicians cared about the little guy. Now, I think Canada sucks like the rest of the world. I haven't voted in any election in years. The peace-keepers have gone to war.  I can't afford (or for that matter, even care about medical coverage). I make $14.00 an hour.  And I truly believe that all politicians are crooked.

Why the drastic change?  It's because of stories like that of Queen (let them eat cake) Mary Southin.  It's getting so I can barely get through watching the evening news without getting mad.

Well, we've all voiced our opinions and now all there is to do is wait till everyone has forgot about it, then move on to the next story. Typically Canadian. Rant, rant, rant but do nothing.

Rick Schulmeister,
Terrace, B.C

Rick...

I empathize with your frustrations. But it seems to me that the best way to try to right a wrong would be to do everything you can to change it. In this case, maybe you should try voting in the next election. Then, at least, you'll be able to feel like you did something instead of, as you say, "rant, rant, rant but do nothing."

Hi Loose Cannon...

I just wanted to say that I love your columns - they are always funny, and that evens out the "bad news" that's in the Press on a daily basis. Keep up the good work!

Judy Perron,
Porcupine, Ontario

Judy...

Thanks very much for your kind words.

Dear Michael...

After all these years, you crop up as a famous person. Good for you. I always knew you were headed for greatness and I knew you would be involved in a creative field. Do you remember the Halloween you painted your face like one of the members of KISS - an exact replica as I recall. Congratulations to you for maintaining your talents in this creative field. Thank you for the infamy, I suppose. I do recall that date and my memories are very different than yours. Biased perspective I suppose. Just for the record, I did enjoy the concert and the evening with you. I had never been to a concert before and had virtually no experience at dating. What did we know? I must have liked you a great deal since we spent a good deal of time together after that and built what I considered a good friendship at the time.

I hope that life has brought to you what you have been seeking and that some of your dreams have come to fruition. It is phenomenal that you are a father and I am sure a very good one with an excellent sense of humor!

Take care and I wish you all the best,

Kelly Litowski
Burlington, Ontario

Kelly...

Wow! Great to hear from you after - what? - 23 years? Something like that, anyway. God, the memories come flooding back. Who'd have though all this time would pass so quickly, eh?  You are a very special person. I hope you have found true happiness in your life and realized some of your dreams. Maybe one day we'll get together and sit down and catch up. That would be fun.

Mike...

Went to your web site and read the column on Jazz airline. Enjoyed it very much. Keep on telling it like it is.

Laura Laraman,
Timmins, Ontario

Laura...

Funny how all of a sudden, now that Jetsgo is in the air, Jazz is offering cheap airfare deals on that same Toronto route.

Mike...

I enjoyed the dog diet column.  However, you must note that there is more than one point of view on this topic, so please see my revision, below, titled "I Sniffed It." It is written from the dogs' point of view...

"I sniffed it. I sniffed it twice. None of the good bits were in there, I could tell instantly. It was the same size and the same shape, even the same satisfying brown colour. The pellets were rounded on the ends just as expected, so, visually, it checked out. But there was this issue of the smell…  I pushed the bowl up against the wall. Sometimes food achieved its best odour there, seasoned with shoe scent and the perpetual rain of crumbs from above.

I had noticed the bag of food earlier that day when Mike brought it in from the van. The label was similar, but all the letters were squeezed together to make them look taller. Also, a different dog posed on the bag, a long slender canine, kind of sad and emaciated. I wondered why Mike would want to buy food with such a pitiful excuse for a dog on the bag, but who can ever comprehend the illogical mind of a human? And after all, in dog years, Mike was only six, so he couldn’t be expected to know too much.

Just to be sure, I sniffed my bowl again. Whew! I had to go and stick my nose in Mike’s shoes and then the dirty laundry basket, just to rid my nose of that awful stink.

But, really, Mike’s an old friend, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I could see that he suspected he had made a big mistake, goofed up totally, when buying my chow, so I did a couple of tricks for him. It seemed to cheer him up, at least a little. Then I went and lay down on the couch, because I had noticed that it was getting a little short on dog hair, and I didn’t want them to think of me as a slacker.

Over the next couple of days Mike seemed to be having some sort of, well for want of a better word, episode.  He left the same food in the bowl for several days. I knew it wasn’t safe to eat anything that smelled that bad, but Mike couldn’t seem to grasp that point. I know with careful training, humans can make great pets, and usually Mike was more than adequate, but being only human, he could also be quirky. And so we played the waiting game: Mike leaving the food in the bowl, pretending he didn’t realize he had made a mistake and bought the wrong stuff, me just waiting until someone else pointed out to him his error.  It can be pretty hungry work training these humans, especially if you get one that’s kind of… slow. It’s lucky I’m patient.

I could tell he was experiencing some guilt when he decided to take me for a car ride. This always seems to make him feel better when he knows he’s bungled something, but he can’t figure out what it is. I could tell he was suffering and in need of my forgiveness when he bought me that box of donuts. I only hope he didn’t mind that I could only eat three of the six donuts. Even for a dog, six is a lot of donuts. I managed to eat three, and the fourth one I licked thoroughly, and placed on his seat in the car, so he would know I didn’t hold a grudge about his mistake with my regular food. Out of respect I left two donuts untouched - for the rest of the family."

Julie Domenico,
Timmins, Ontario

Julie...

Fabulous! This is the first time one of my columns has been turned inside out!

Dear Loose Cannon...

Your column about a space alien's report about Christmas on Earth to his superiors on his home planet should have been on the front page, not buried near the back. I always enjoy reading your columns. You are very funny. Keep up the good work.

June (last name withheld by request)
Iroquois Falls, Ontario

June...

I'm glad you liked the column. Thanks for writing in.

Hi, Mr. Byrnes...

I can't help sending you a note to congratulate you on your column. You are a good writer and you make me laugh because your column is funny sometimes. I should say, most of the time. It's always a pleasure to read you. I am a former resident of 42 years in Timmins now residing in Montreal, Quebec for 8 years. I always enjoy reading my hometown newspaper. Looking forward to reading you again,

Gemma Francoeur,
Montreal, Quebec

Gemma...

I am glad I make you laugh. Laughter is a good thing. Thanks for your letter.

Dear Mike

Read the letters to your column. Noticed two siblings complaining about inconsistencies. Your mother could have resolved this problem 42 years ago by saying, "I have a headache."

Dad

Yeah but she didn't. And they're not inconsistencies. My siblings are whiners.

Hi, Mike

I was referred to your site to read the Shania column. Ho, ho, ho. Bang on. Keep up the great writing. I'm book-marking your site.

Wayne Bozzer,
Timmins, Ontario

Thanks for the encouragement, Wayne. I do my best.

Michael...

Pretty cute story about the bedroom mess, however, it is a pretty weak analogy to the current war in Iraq.

Now, if you were to have written that the hamsters currently occupying Sadie's room had proven evidence that Sadie had tormented and tortured its' fellow hamsters in front of their very own family, or, if for the past 25 years the Hamster's had to live under Sadie's tyranny knowing that any free thought that they might have will be perceived as being against Sadie's regime and would result in execution, now that would have added some value to your story.

Keep trying, however, perhaps you may not want to use your own children as a comparison to a proven sadistic tyrant. I think they deserve a better representation don't you agree?

Paul F. Loreto, OAA., MRAIC, AAC
President, Loreto Design Consultants

Paul...

Your point is a valid one. However, this is - for better or worse - a humor column and it's like this: during stressful times people need to laugh. Otherwise they will cry. Even so, I think the column does demonstrate that use of force is not always desirable. But having said that I should point out that I am actually in favor of the peace action (I refuse to call it a war) in Iraq and think that the tyrant Saddam needs to be tossed out on his ear. This doesn't mean I'm a fan of war, however. Still - I like to balance things with both sides. I think I did that in the column. And for the record - Sadie is very nice to her hamsters.